resolve to evolve

previous New Years when i made an attempt at "resolutions" it seemed "life" infringed upon my better judgement, bulldozing my rosier dreams aside, or else, and more than likely, I just forgot them. Because I was struggling through school, or barely surviving in the city on my own, or too busy with a new job, or falling in love or falling out of it, or going back to school, or raising a child, or assuming multiple new chapters in my life ... all of which could have been preceded by resolutions had I only known what was to come, but that instead just sort of happened, with little effort on my part in the way of conscious decisions for change, despite my best intentions each first of January.

Anyway ... all that aside. What I'm trying to say here is that, this year is different. I've decided to resolve to resolve to change for the sake of my own evolution. Or that's how I explained it to my 17 year old son who asked me as I sat propped up on my pillow staring thoughtfully off into space, journal opened in my lap, pen poised. "What's the purpose?" ... and for once I had an answer that didn't sound like something my mom would've said... as in, "because, that's just the way it's always been done... it's what you're supposed to do, see?"

"To evolve!" I said almost too quickly. And it sounded so eloquent falling from my hopelessly boring lips I realized I was on a roll and determined to let these strange words flow as they seemingly desired... I went on... "to become somehow "better" than you were last year. A better person ... more knowledgeable, more fit, more thoughtful, more loving, more compassionate, more capable, less judgmental, less uptight, more carefree, more competent, more Godlike" okay, okay, I get it! he says loudly, hand up in the air. Need I say I may have gone a little too far with that last one? Still...

in wishing all and myself included an uncommonly blessed season, and these things don't just "happen," we must in effect make some form of effort to create our lives, I believe. Therefore, I take the first plunge and think about what I wish to accomplish this year, but also try to send my mind to the end of the year to feel what it will actually feel like to have accomplished these things ... will it feel good, as if I've truly grown and changed for the best? I'm thinking it will. Perhaps only incrementally, but growth incrementally or staggeringly is growth, which is not stagnation, which means to me doing nothing, basically, but to sit and rot like bad pond water. Not good. Even frogs don't lay their eggs in rotten water. What the heck does that mean? God knows!

i'm still working on my list and when it's complete I will post it here. I'm really hoping to find lists of resolutions throughout the blogosphere ... maybe some that will inspire me in ways I haven't even considered!

Join me, will you, in resolving to become a better person in 2008? Here's to conscious evolution!

~L